As Grandmother used to say
A calm sea does not make a skilled sailor
"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me."
-- Hunter S. Thompson
Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat?
A: Five; four to old the car up and one to swap tires.
Q: How long does it take?
A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've
brought with them.
Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
A: They replace your generator.
A string walks into a bar and ask
the waiter for a beer.
The waiter says, "I am sorry but
we can't serve strings here."
The string goes home, ties himself
in a knot, and messes up his hair.
He goes back to the bar about an
hour later, sits down and says,
"Waiter, give me a beer."
The waiter says,"Hey aren't you the
string who came in here earlier."
The string replies, "No,
I'm a fraid knot."
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo
Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
" Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only
move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted,
it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the
general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by
the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way,
the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But
naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this
way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make
you think you are whispering when you are not.
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench
talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you
think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo,
can you see Florida ?????"
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over
by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a
lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better
education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to
himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, " license and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete
stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete
stop. Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come
to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference
between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and
registration;and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go
and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the
tripe out of the lawyer and says,
"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday
Afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming
from the other direction.
"Hello," said the little boy.
"Hi," replied the little girl.
"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.
"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,"
Answered the little girl.
"Me too," replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from
"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.
"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl.
"What about you?"
"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill," replied
The little boy.
They discover that they are both going the same way so they
Decide that they'll walk together.
They come to a low spot in the road where spring rains had
Partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could
Get across to the other side without getting wet.
"If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me
Alive," said the little girl.
"My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,"
Replied the little boy.
"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off All my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."
"That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the
Same thing with my suit."
So they both undress and wade across to the other side without
Getting their clothes wet.
They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before
Putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked,
"You know, I never did realize before just how much difference
There really is between a Baptist and a Catholic."
1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . 'My wife's
going to have her baby in the taxi'.
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's
dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after
protests from the lady I noticed that there were several
taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp.
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on
an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient..
Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath
3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a
wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial
infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her
mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he
told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.
'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every
six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I
wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before
applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked
'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered .'Why, not for
about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while
checking up on a man I asked . . ...' So how was your breakfast this
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get
used to the taste.'. . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled
Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.
7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple
hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos,
and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined
that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff
noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there
was a tattoo that read . .'Keep off the grass'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note
on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London