• Jokes 28/7

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    As Grandmother used to say

    Flies bite more before a rain

    ----

    RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED

    (1) Never eat on an empty stomach.
    (2) Never leave the table hungry.
    (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
    (4) Enjoy your food.
    (5) Enjoy your companion's food.
    (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to
    accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
    (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare
    for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a brownie.
    Which feels better against your cheeks?
    (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
    (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You
    can always eat it later.
    (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
    (11) Avoid blue food.

    -- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet"

    ----

    Romeo and Juliet
    ----------------
    Friar Laurence told Romeo that Juliet was getting very drunk every night
    And suffering massive hangovers every morning. Romeo flew to his beloved.
    It was true: she was an odd shade of pale green and had bloodshot eyes.

    At first she wouldn't admit why she drank but at last she confessed that
    Though she loved him she couldn't stand his flatulence.

    Romeo explained that it was due to a distant relative an Englishwoman who
    Had earned the gratitude of her King and been made Dame Commander of the British Empire but was now impoverished.

    Her Italian relatives out of sympathy had made her their cook and she
    Was feeding them hearty English fare which disagreed with Romeo's sensitive Bowels. Romeo kept eating her food because he hadn't the heart to tell her.

    But Friar Laurence said Romeo had a solution: In the Veronese catacombs
    There was a shrine with relics of an obscure saint. A night of praying
    There followed by a vow that he would control his sphincters would cure
    Him.

    Juliet was so overjoyed that her next speech didn't quite scan properly:

    JULIET: O Romeo Romeo therefore fartest thou Romeo!
    Deny thy fodder and refuse thy Dame.
    Or if thou wilt not be butt-sworn my love And I'll no longer be so cra

    Flattery
    --------
    She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to
    Say "when."
    -- P.G. Wodehouse

    Problem With Paper Clips
    ------------------------
    Employees at our company were warned to be careful with our very expensive
    And sensitive photocopier. All metal fasteners on the papers were to be
    Removed before any documents were inserted into the machine. To reinforce
    this sign above it read "Caution. Staples and paper clips can cause
    Serious and costly internal damage."

    Below that someone pencilled "So stop eating them!"

    Nurses
    ------
    My nursing friend was preparing an intravenous line for a 15-year-old male Patient. The bedside phone rang, and the boy's mother reached over to pick
    It up. After talking for a few minutes, the mother held the phone aside and Said, "Your father wants to know if you have any cute nurses."

    The boy gazed at the nurse, who had the needle poised above his arm, ready
    For insertion. "Tell him," he replied, "they're absolutely gorgeous."

    -------

    "France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these
    Drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by Prostitutes." ---Mark Twain

    "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one
    Behind me." ---General George S. Patton

    "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your Accordion." ---Norman Schwartzkopf

    "We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
    ---Marge Simpson

    "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" Jacques Chirac,
    President of France "As far as France is concerned, you're right."
    ---Rush Limbaugh

    "The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is
    Sitting in Paris sipping coffee." ---Regis Philbin

    "The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any
    Better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit
    Outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more
    Stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whisky I
    Don't know." ---P.J O'Rourke (1989)

    "You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the
    1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the
    Face for it." ---John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

    France is miserable because it is filled with Frenchmen, and Frenchmen
    Are miserable because they live in France. ---Mark Twain

    Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada.
    ---Ted Nugent

    Sailing
    -------
    Last summer my wife and I met a couple at a restaurant. After lunch the
    Women decided to go shopping and I invited the man to go sailing. While we
    Were out on the water a storm blew up. The tide had gone out and we were
    Down wind trying to work our way back through a narrow channel. At one
    Point the boat grounded and we had to climb overboard and shove with all
    Our might to get it back in deeper water.

    As my new friend stood there ankle deep in muck the wind blowing his hair Wildly rain streaming down his face he grinned at me and with
    Unmistakable sincerity said "Sure beats shopping."

    Wrong Plane
    -----------
    During the "rush hour" at Houston's Hobby airport my flight was delayed
    Due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight
    the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew
    Worked on it. We were then told the new gate number which was some
    Distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate only to find that a third
    Gate had been designated for us.

    After some further shuffling everyone got on board and as we were
    Settling in the flight attendant made the standard announcement "We
    Apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This
    Flight is going to Washington D.C. If your destination is not Washington D.C.then you should 'deplane' at this time."

    A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit
    carrying his bags. "Sorry" he said "wrong plane."

    Slight sexual connotations

    Change Of Uniform
    -----------------
    A police officer though scheduled for all-night duty at the station was Relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule at 2
    AM. Not wanting to wake his wife he undressed in the dark crept into the Bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said "Mike Dearest would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next
    Block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

    "certainly honey" he said and feeling his way across the room he got
    Dressed and walked over to the drug store.

    As he arrived the pharmacist looked up in surprise "Say" said the Druggist"aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

    "Yes I am" said the officer.

    "Well then what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"

    -------

    A man came home from work early one day, and found his wife naked and
    panting on the bed.
    "Honey," she said, thinking quickly, "I think I'm having a heart attack!" While rushing to call the doctor, he nearly stumbled over his crying four year who told him there was a naked man in the closet. He ran to the closet,
    opened the door, and there was his best friend.
    "Damn it, Dave" he shouted, "Jill's having a heart attack and here you are scaring the hell out of the kids!"

    -----------

    The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis
    enlargers ..... so I did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy

    -----------

    My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my
    obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.

    I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face......

    73 de dave
    gm3yew@gb7yew

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