• Jokes 1/8

    From GM3YEW@CAPCITY to HUMOUR on Thu Aug 1 03:30:00 2019
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    As Grandmother used to say

    Clouds small and round like a dapple-gray, with north wind, fair for a day

    --

    Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersey.

    ----------

    A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
    Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up an 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

    Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.
    I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
    The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh
    *.. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

    Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
    She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the proble

    The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and ther Grandma's minister.
    The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

    The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend'

    The minister fainted.

    -----

    -Apples not caffeine are more efficient at waking you up
    In the morning.

    -Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

    -A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

    -People do not get sick from cold weather it's from being
    Indoors a lot more.

    -When you sneeze all bodily functions stop even your heart.

    -Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

    -Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

    -Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they
    Are 2-6 years old.

    -The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

    -40000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

    -The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

    -Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

    -Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

    -Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the
    Same airplane just in case there is a crash

    -The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a
    Tomato can for a carburetor.

    -Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut
    From women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

    -If colouring weren't added to Coca-Cola it would be green.

    -The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood.

    -No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

    -Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

    -1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.

    -You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

    -The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache.

    -A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's
    First flight.

    -Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

    -The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of
    Varieties of pickles the company once had.

    -The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called eaglets.

    -Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

    -The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

    -Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than the
    Entire Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

    -Adolf Hit's mother seriously considered having an abortion
    But was talked out of it by her doctor.

    -All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like
    being seen wearing them in public.

    -Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

    -It takes 3000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather
    For a year's supply of footballs.

    -Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for
    Dating are already married.

    -The three most valuable brand names on earth:
    Marlboro Coca Cola and Budweiser in that order.

    -Average life span of a major league baseball: seven pitches.

    -A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.

    -Richard millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name
    Contains all the letters from the word "criminal."

    -Humans consume 6 gallons of saliva a year

    -The larger your head the smaller your brain.

    -Every 30 seconds somewhere in the world someone commits suicide.

    -Every minute a meteor (most likely small ones) hits the earth.

    -Slugs and potatoes have the same atomic structure as a black
    Hole. (I doubt this is true but think about eating something
    That has the atomic structure of a black hole)

    -In Texas if 2 trains meet at a railroad track both trains
    Shall stop and neither will continue until the other has gone

    -When you die your nails still grow

    -Every 300 seconds a Starbucks is opened

    -Human thigh bones are as strong as concrete

    -Slugs have 4 noses

    -There is enough carbon in our bodies to fill 900 pencils

    -If you are asleep you grow averagely 2 centimetres

    -While awake and being upright you shrink the same amount
    As you grow in the morning

    -"Out of sight out of mind" when translated by computer into
    Russian and back becomes "Invisible maniac".

    -When biting your finger nails u swallow the same amount of
    Germs as licking a toilet seat

    -You have a better chance to die on your way to get a lottery
    Ticket than actually winning the lottery.

    -Around every 300.000 years the polarity of the Earth
    Changes (I definitely know this is true. I saw a documentary
    On it)

    -In medieval England there was once a proposed law that only
    Someone of the rank of baron or higher could eat a meat pie

    -The words assassination and bump were made by Shakespeare

    -No Person may keep a skunk as a pet- VA

    -It is illegal to park a car on railroad tracks- VA

    -It is illegal for a woman to drive a car down main street
    Unless her husband is in front of the car waving a red flag- VA

    -It is illegal to wrestle bears- Alabama

    -Putting salt on railroad tracks will lead to death penalty- Alabama

    -If an animal control officer is wearing his uniform it
    Signifies he is an animal control officer- Alabama (lol)

    -It is illegal to sell your children- Florida!

    -There was once a proposed American law that the death sentence
    would be used for violent offences such as:

    1. Assasinating the president
    2. Hijacking an airliner.
    3. Murdering an official poultry inspector

    -468f percentage statistics are randomly made up on the spot.

    -----------
    WORDS

    A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

    30,000 to a man's 15,000.

    The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to

    The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

    CREATION

    A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be

    So stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

    'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

    God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

    God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

    WHO DOES WHAT

    A man and his wife were having an argument about who

    Should brew the coffee each morning.

    The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,

    And then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

    The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and

    You should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

    Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the m should do the coffee.'

    Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

    So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at
    the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'

    --------

    My boyfriend and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in
    Huntington Beach, CA. Our waitress looked like a real
    Surfer girl: athletic with a great tan and blond hair.
    Mulling over the menu, my guy asked her if the roast
    Beef was rare.

    The waitress gave us a long blank look, and then replied,
    "Well, no. We have it, like, just about every day."

    __

    Having moved 15 times during our 37-year
    Marriage, my husband and I appreciate
    Movers who take the time to label carefully
    Boxes they pack for us. The accuracy of labels
    Can make a huge difference when we try to
    Find something right away.

    My favourite was done by one guy who attached
    This sticker to a box - obviously not
    Knowing how to spell the best one word
    Description:
    "Animals you hit with a stick at a Mexican party."

    THOUGHT OF THE DAY

    *...........................
    "In order for people to be happy, sometimes
    They have to take risks. It's true these risks
    Can put them in danger of being hurt."

    COWS

    Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing
    That our government can track a cow born in Canada
    Almost three years ago, right to the stall where
    She sleeps in the state of Washington, and they
    Tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are
    Unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering
    Around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

    CONSTITUTION

    They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for
    Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written
    By a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200
    Years, and we're not using it anymore.

    TEN COMMANDMENTS

    The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a
    Courthouse?
    You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit
    Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers,
    Judges, and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!

    73 de dave
    gm3yew@gb7yew

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