• Jokes 2/8

    From GM3YEW@CAPCITY to HUMOUR on Fri Aug 2 05:30:00 2019
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    As Grandmother used to say

    Come rain come shine
    ----

    "There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said
    a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. "And yet just a short
    time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable question,"
    said Nasrudin. "I could have answered it if I had been there." "Very well.
    He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in the middle of the night?'"

    -----

    A Blonde's Year in Review

    January
    Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

    February
    Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
    Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

    March
    Got really excited......finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months......
    Box said '2-4 years!'

    April
    Trapped on escalator for hours ...
    Power went out!!!

    May
    Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
    8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

    June
    Tried to go water skiing.......
    Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

    July
    Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
    Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

    August
    Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
    Car swamped because soft-top was open.

    September
    The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

    October
    Hate M & M's....
    They are so hard to peel.

    November
    Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ...
    Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

    December
    Couldn't call 911.
    'Duh'......there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!'

    THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

    A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female
    Neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

    She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

    A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and
    Again, opened it, slammed it shut again.. Angrily, back into the house she
    Went.

    As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
    Marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it; closed harder than
    Ever.

    Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

    To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'

    (Are you ready? This is a beauty....)

    'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

    -------------

    Two redneck blonde lady hunters were dragging their dead
    Deer back to their pickup truck. Another hunter approached pulling his catch al

    "Hey," says the lone hunter, "I don't want to tell you how to do something... Tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the opposite direction. Antlers won't dig into the ground." After the lone hunter left, the two redneck To give it a try. A little while later one blonde says to the other, "Ya know, Is a lot easier!" "Yep," the other added, "but we're gittin' further away from

    -------------

    Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... As it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to contro
    the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

    Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over
    at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her
    medical assistance.

    Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a shor while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a larg old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

    A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terribl accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

    "I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
    Bob brings his wife in.

    An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled yo
    I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor them down to the laboratory."

    With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following c Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his
    injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

    After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Ig Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. B and Betty Hill are no more.

    The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always f solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the hou

    Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he
    the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

    Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

    He bursts in and shouts to his master:

    "Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

    (I am soooooo sorry...... But you really should've seen that one coming)

    Sexual content -

    ---------------

    Children Writing About the Ocean... Hysterical!

    1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
    (Kellyage 6)

    2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerryage 6)

    3) - If you are surrounded by oceanyou are an island.. If you don't have ocean all round youyou are incontinent. (Markage 7)

    4) - Sharks are ugly and meanand have big teethjust like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylieage 6)

    5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billyage 8)

    6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots
    and comes back with crabs. (Millieage 6)

    7) - When ships had sailsthey used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (Williamage 7)

    8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I lik their shiny tailsbut how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Likereally? (Hele

    9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying Dad keeps yelling at my Mom and my big sister has just got pregnant so I can't what to write. (Amyage 6)

    10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give yo They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug thems to chargers.
    (Christopherage 7)

    11) - When you go swimming in the oceanit is very coldand it makes my willy sm

    12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go d aloneso they have to go down on each other.
    (Beckyage 8)

    13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big
    ass. (Julieage 7)

    14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don know. (Bobbyage 6)

    15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (Jamesage 7)

    -----

    The things Commentators say; and then quickly regret them!

    1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: ...This is really a lovely horse
    I once rode her mother....

    2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator: ... Andrew Mehrtens loves it when
    Daryl Gibson comes inside of him....

    3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator: ...This female lifter is Gregori Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!...

    4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race in 1977: ...Ah, isn' nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford cre

    5. US PGA Commentator: ...One of the reasons Arnold Palmer is playing so
    is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .. my god! What have I just said?...

    6. In an episode of Time Team Live, Carenza Lewis was talking about findi food in the Middle Ages: ...You would eat beaver if you could get it....

    7. A US female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have sno
    heavily but didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, ...So Bob, where's tha
    inches you promised me last night?... Not only did Bob have to leave the set, the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

    8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: ...Ballesteros feels much better after a 69 yesterday....

    9. Clair Frisby, a presenter on Look North, was talking about a jumbo hot She said: ...There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night

    10. Snooker player Mike Hallett was discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sp *..Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis 's misses every chance he gets....

    11. During BBC 1's UK eclipse coverage, Michael Buerk was watching Philippa F
    cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth. He remarked: ...They seem cold out They are rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts....

    12. Upon watching golfer Nick Faldo and his female caddie Fanny Sunneson lini shots at the Scottish Open, commentator Ken Brown said: ...Some weeks Nick like
    Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself....

    73 de dave
    gm3yew@gb7yew

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