• Jokes 3/8

    From GM3YEW@CAPCITY to HUMOUR on Sat Aug 3 03:00:00 2019
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    As Grandmother used to say

    Behind the clouds the sun is shining
    ---

    The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up
    every bird watcher in the country.
    -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972

    --------

    Zen Thinking from Garfield

    1. Do not walk behind me for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me
    For I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is
    Narrow. In fact just bugger off and leave me alone.

    2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

    3. No one is listening until you fart.

    4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

    5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

    6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead try missing
    A couple of mortgage payments.

    7. Before you criticise someone you should walk a mile in their shoes.
    That way when you criticise them you're a mile away and you have
    Their shoes.

    8. If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you.

    9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and
    He will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

    10. If you lend someone ..20 and never see that person again it was probably
    well worth it.

    11. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

    12. Some days you are the bug some days you are the wind screen.

    13. Don't worry it only seems kinky the first time.

    14. Good judgement comes from bad experience and most of that comes from
    bad judgement.

    15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

    16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

    17. Generally speaking you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

    18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it

    19. We are born naked wet and hungry and get slapped on our arse ...
    Then things just get worse.

    20. Never under any circumstance take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the Same night.
    -------

    DEFINITION OF A BARBECUE -

    It's the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man
    Volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put
    Into motion:

    1) The woman buys the food.

    2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

    3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on tray
    Along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to
    The man who is lounging beside the grill -- beer in hand.

    4) The man places the meat on the grill.

    5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

    6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is
    Burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while
    He deals with the situation.

    7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the
    Woman.

    8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils,
    Napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

    9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the
    Dishes.

    10) Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking
    Efforts.

    11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."
    And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's
    Just no pleasing some women

    --------

    THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN
    ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS
    SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO
    SEE HER TICKET.

    SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY
    CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

    THE BLONDE REPLIES"I'M BLOND I'M BEAUTIFUL I'M
    GOI NG TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS
    THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE
    SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND
    WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

    THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO
    EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE
    WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

    THE BLONDE REPLIES "I'M BLONDE I'M BEAUTIFUL I'M
    GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

    THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD
    HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST
    THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

    THE PILOT SAYS "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE
    THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

    HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER ear and
    SHE SAYS "OH I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK
    TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED
    HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

    I TOLD HER "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON."

    ================

    A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick
    One day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computer she dialled th Employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

    "Hello."
    "Is your daddy home?" he asked.

    "Yes" whispered the small voice.

    May I talk with him?"

    The child whispered "No."

    Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult the boss asked "Is your Mommy there

    "Yes."

    "May I talk with her?"

    Again the small voice whispered "No."

    Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message the boss asked
    "Is anybody else there?"

    "Yes" whispered the child"a policeman."

    Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home the boss asked
    "May I speak with the policeman?" "no he's busy"whispered the child. "Busy doin What?" "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman" came the whispered answer.

    Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the api On the phone the boss asked "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the Whispering voice.

    "What is going on there?" demanded the boss now truly apprehensive.

    Again whispering the child answered "The search team just landed The hello-copp

    Alarmed concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked "What are they searchi

    Still whispering the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:

    "ME."

    Stupid Questions
    ----------------
    - Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

    - Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

    - Can you get cavities in your dentures if you use too much artificial sweetene

    - Could crop-circles be the work of a cereal killer?

    - Crime doesn't pay ... Does that mean my job is a crime?

    - Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep It?

    - Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

    - Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

    - Do boxer shorts box?

    - Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

    - Do fly's get embarrassed when they get unzipped?

    - Do fish get thirsty?

    ------------------------

    AFTER THE FEASTING IS OVER
    In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli cauliflower and spinach green yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long healthy lives. Then using God's bountiful gifts Satan created Dairy Ice Cream Magnums. And Satan said "You want hot fudge with that? And Man said "Yes!" An
    Woman said "I'll have one too with chocolate chips". And lo they gained 10 po And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man
    so fair.
    And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14. So God said "Try my fr
    green salad". And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. God then
    "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them". And
    brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns butter-dipped lobster chunks and fried steakso big it needed its own platter and Man's cholesterol went through hen God brought forth the potato naturally low in fat and brimming with potas good nutrition.
    Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chip fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on mo God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those ext And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickeri and started wearing stretch jogging suits. Then God gave lean beef so that Ma consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
    And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said "
    want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes And super size 'em". And Satan sa And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest. God sighed ......... And created by-pass surgery.
    And then . Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.

    THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
    After an exhaustive review of the research literaturehere's the final word on 1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
    2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
    3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks 5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what

    Sexual content -

    A mangetting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually.

    He goes to his doctor who tries a few thingsbut nothing seems to work. Finally
    as a last hope the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.

    The medicine man says "I can cure this."

    With that saidhe throws a white powder into a flameand there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

    Then the African medicine man says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as l you wish!"

    The man then asks "What happens when it's over and I don't want to continue?"

    The medicine man replies "When your partner can take no more sex and is complet
    satisfied she has to say is '1234'and it will then go down. But be warned the

    sword will not rise again for another whole year."

    The old gent rushes home anxious to try out his new powers.

    That night he showersshaves and smothers himself in aftershave.

    He slides into bedcuddles up to his wife and says "123" and suddenly he has this huge erection just as the medicine man promised.

    His wife turns over and asks "What did you say '123' for?"

    73 de Dave
    gm3yew@gb7yew

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