• Jokes 7/8

    From GM3YEW@CAPCITY to HUMOUR on Wed Aug 7 03:50:00 2019
    R:190807/0643Z 6838@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18

    As Grandmother used to say

    Every path has its puddle

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    1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

    2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

    3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

    4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called dou

    5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully w

    6. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

    7. The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims"

    8. 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today every

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    Star
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    So you want a star named after you huh? How about "Gas Giant"?

    Notes For The Milkman
    ---------------------
    These are actual notes left for the Milkman...

    "Dear Milkman I've just had a baby please leave another one."

    "Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk."

    "Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it."

    "Sorry not to have paid your bill before but my wife had a baby and I've
    Been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks."

    "Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints but
    The other way 'round."

    "When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I
    Want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress."

    "Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's SOPRANOS.
    If you saw it will you tell me what happened?"

    "My daughter says she wants a milk shake. Do you do it before you deliver or
    do I have to shake the bottle?"

    "Please send me a form for cheap milk for I have a baby two months old and
    Did not know about it until a neighbour told me."

    "Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it."

    "From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the
    Days in between except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any
    Milk."

    "My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge get money out of cup in Drawer and leave change on kitchen table because we want to play bingo Tonight."

    "Please leave no milk today. When I say todayI mean tomorrow for I
    Wrote this note yesterday...or is it today ?"

    "When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler let dog
    Out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk."

    "No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until
    Further notice."

    ------

    An old Freemason sat down in Starbucks on the corner of Great Queen Street
    And ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his espresso, a young
    Woman sat down next to him.

    She turned to the Freemason, spotted his regalia case and asked 'Are you a
    Real Freemason?'

    He replied, 'Well I've spent best part of my life up and down to the big Building across the road, working the ritual, going to meetings. I've been Through the Chair of three lodges, supported festivals and worthy causes, Helped others and lead an upright existence so yes, I guess I am a real Freemason'.

    She said, I'm a lesbian you know. I spend my whole day thinking about
    Women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I
    Shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even
    Think about women when I eat. It seems that everything I do makes me think
    Of women.'

    The two sat sipping in silence then the girl eventually left.

    A little while later, a young man sat down next to the old Freemason with
    A similar ritual case. Knowing the proximity of Freemasons Hall he asked,
    'Are you a Freemason?'

    The old man replied, 'Well, I always thought I was, but I just found out
    That I'm a lesbian.'

    ----

    If Hillary Clinton wins the U.S. Presidential election it will be the first tim

    that two U.S. Presidents have slept with each other.

    If Donald Trump wins the U.S. Presidential Election it will be the first time i

    that a billionaire has moved into public housing vacated by a black family.

    ------------

    These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.

    ADULT:
    A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

    BEAUTY PARLOR:
    A place where women curl up and dye.

    CANNIBAL:
    Someone who is fed up with people.

    CHICKENS:
    The only animals you eat before they are born and after.

    COMMITTEE:
    A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

    DUST:
    Mud with the juice squeezed out.

    EGOTIST:
    Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

    HANDKERCHIEF:
    Cold Storage.

    INFLATION:
    Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

    MOSQUITO:
    An insect that makes you like flies better.

    RAISIN:
    Grape with a sunburn.

    SECRET:
    Something you tell to one person at a time.

    SKELETON:
    A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

    TOOTHACHE:
    The pain that drives you to extraction.

    TOMORROW:
    One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

    YAWN:
    An honest opinion openly expressed.

    And MY Personal favourite!!

    WRINKLES:
    Something other people haveSimilar to my character lines.

    -----------
    Pragmatic Cabbie ...

    During a super busy downtown Xmas rush a stark-naked drunken
    Woman jumped into a vacant cab.

    The East Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept
    On staring at the woman.

    He makes no attempt to start the car.

    "What's wrong with you sunshine haven't you ever seen a naked
    White woman before?"

    "I'll not be staring at you ladyI am telling you that would not
    Be proper where I am coming from".

    "Well if you're not staring at me what are you doing then?

    "WellI am thinking to myself where is this lady keeping the
    Money to pay me?"

    ----------
    The Prime Minister has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to Claim benefits. From next week all claim forms will only be printed in
    English.

    -----------
    Husband says to wife 'My Olympic condoms have arrived - I think I'll wear
    Gold tonight'.
    Wife says 'why don't you wear silver and come second for a change'.

    -----------
    I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was Sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

    -----------
    An RAF fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying Carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gunner on board.
    Sensing danger he shot them down. Back at base he got a right telling-off - Apparently they were Allied Carpets!

    -----------

    A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course the wife pro Her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the co

    The husband cringed'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there the owner Apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

    So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice s

    When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all ov And a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window gla

    A man reclining on the couch asked 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

    'Uh...yeah!sir. We're sure sorry about that' the husband replied.

    'Oh no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see I'm a gen been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish but if you don't mind I'll k for myself.'

    Wow that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out'I'd million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

    'No problem' said the genie 'You've got It it's the least I can do. And I'll Long healthy life!'

    'And now you young lady what do you want?' the genie asked.

    'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with s she said.

    'Consider it done' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from f And natural disasters!'

    'And now' the couple asked in unison' what's your wish genie?'

    'Well since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in m thousand years my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

    The husband looked at his wife and said 'Gee honey you know we both now have fortune and all those houses. What do you think?'

    She mulled it over for a few moments and said 'You know you're right. Conside fortune I guess I wouldn't mind but what about you honey?'

    You know I love you sweetheart' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

    So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afte

    The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex the ge directly into her eyes and asked How old are you and your husband?'

    'Why we're both 35' she responded breathlessly.

    'No Kidding' he said.

    'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies

    73 de dave
    gm3yew@gb7yew

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