• Jokes 9/8

    From GM3YEW@CAPCITY to HUMOUR on Fri Aug 9 02:40:00 2019
    R:190809/0531Z 7797@VA3TOK.#SCON.ON.CAN.NOAM LinBPQ6.0.18
    R:190809/0530Z 56886@VA7RBP.#SCBC.BC.CAN.NOAM LinBPQ6.0.18
    R:190809/0529Z 11667@VA7PF.#CVANISL.BC.CAN.NOAM LinBPQ6.0.18
    R:190809/0529Z 6936@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18

    As Grandmother used to say
    Don't spit into the wind

    -----------

    Vagaries of English Language!

    Ever wonder why the word funeral starts with FUN?

    Why isn't a Fireman called a Water-man?

    How come Lipstick doesn't do what it says?

    If a Vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian eat?

    How do you get off a non-stop Flight?

    Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO and those sent by truck SHIPMENT?

    Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and the dishes in the Cupboard?

    Why is it called 'Rush Hour' when traffic moves at its slowest then?

    How come Noses run and Feet smell?

    Why do they call it a TV 'set' when there is only one?

    Did you know that if you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

    ------

    In evidence the court heard that a prosecution had been brought by the public health authorities against the proprietors of a local home bakery, alleging negligence and a failure to exercise proper vigilance in the preparation of foodstuffs. The proceeding had been initiated after a member of the public
    had reported to the health people that she had almost been choked by a long strand of human hair which had been baked into a confection made by the defendants. The bakery said that they always took great precautions to ensure that their products were produced in the most hygienic of conditions, and to that end all of their baking staff were obliged to wear headgear at all times.

    *..All I can say..., said the presiding Judge, ...is that one of these ladies m her hair in a bun....

    ----
    A "paraprosdokian" is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listen to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extr popular among comedians and satirists.

    *. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

    ------------
    Brilliant Beijing Hotel Brochure - Translated as only they can.

    Getting There:
    Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will kn that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercours with all new guests.

    The Hotel:
    This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expos themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to with them self.

    The Restaurant:
    Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

    Your Room:
    Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every ro on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. Yo will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and th is used only by pederasts.

    Bed:
    Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any othe ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will b very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will a squeeze your trousers.

    Above All:
    When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.

    -------------

    The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
    He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing
    one half in front of his wife..

    He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two
    piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

    He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few
    Bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and
    whispering.

    Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford
    is one meal for the two of them.'

    As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and
    politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said,
    they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

    People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

    Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another
    meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used
    to sharing everything.'

    Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a singl bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

    She answered

    'THE TEETH.'

    --------

    The Aisle, the Altar, the Hymn

    Through the ages, men have been trying to unlock this mystery:

    Why do their wives, who accept them just as they are before they get
    Married, begin the quest to change their behaviour and life-style once
    Their vows are exchanged?

    Finally, the riddle is solved.

    A social-scientist has arrived at this simple and logical explanation.
    When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down
    The long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir
    Singing a hymn. Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process starts
    Where the brain absorbs these three stimuli:

    Aisle, altar, and hymn.

    She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these perceptions:

    Aisle, altar, hymn......Aisle, altar, hymn......Aisle, altar, hymn.

    And finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process is Complete. She looks up at him smiling sweetly and keeps saying to herself:

    'I'll alter him!...

    -------------

    This is the story of a blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pil The pilot has a heart attack and dies. She becomes frantic and calls out a
    May Day.
    "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is
    dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
    She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I hav you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Just take a deep breath Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
    She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat.."
    "Okay," says the voice on the radio, "Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven..."

    -------------
    Sexual content

    The priest in a small village was very fond of the rooster and 10 hens he
    kept out the back of the parish house. One Saturday night, the rooster
    went missing and the priest suspected it had been stolen. The next day at
    the morning mass he asked the congregation ...Has anybody got a cock....
    All the men stood up.
    "No" the priest said, "That wasn't what I meant, Has anybody seen a cock... ? All the women stood up.
    "No" He said with a hint of annoyance. ...That wasn't what I meant. Has
    anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
    Half the women stood, up.
    "No" he said angrily. ...That wasn't what I meant either. Has anyone seen
    my cock... ?
    All the choirboys stood up.. ,

    -------------

    Ken was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.

    *..What...s up Ken?... asked the bartender...

    It...s not like you to be so down in the mouth....
    *..It...s my five year old son...... the man replied.

    *..Don...t tell me, he...s in trouble for fighting in school?

    My lad...s just the same ... forget about it;

    it happens to boys that age,...

    said the bartender, sympathetically.

    *.. I only wish it was that,... continued the customer,

    *.. but it...s far worse than that. The little devil has got our

    gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant....

    *..Get away, that...s impossible!...

    gasped the bartender.

    *..It...s not,... said the man.

    "The little bastard stuck a pin in all my condoms....

    73 de dave
    gm3yew@gb7yew

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