• Jokes 9/7

    From GM3YEW@CAPCITY to HUMOUR on Tue Jul 9 03:20:00 2019
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    R:190709/0611Z 5279@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18

    As Grandmother used to say

    A swarm of bees in July is not worth a fly

    She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

    On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things .

    On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and
    feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water .

    When she had finished, she went into each and every room and
    deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow
    of the curtain rods.

    She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned
    with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

    Then slowly, the house began to smell .

    They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out .

    Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned .

    Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
    set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days
    and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
    Nothing worked!!!

    People stopped coming over to visit.
    Repairmen refused to work in the house.
    The maid quit .

    Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

    A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could
    not find a buyer for their stinky house .

    Word got out and eventually even the local Realtors refused to return
    their calls

    Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
    purchase a new place.

    The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

    He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and
    said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to
    reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back .

    Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed
    on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth,
    but only if she were to sign the papers that very day .

    She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork

    A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
    the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

    And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!


    A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed
    he had his collar on backwards.

    The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards... The man, who
    was a priest, said "I am a Father."

    The little boy replied "My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

    The boy said "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
    doesn't wear his collar that way."

    The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

    The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards instead
    of your collar.


    A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. 'Is it true,' she wante to know, 'that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?'

    'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.

    There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, 'I 'm
    wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription
    is marked 'NO REFILLS'.'


    An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he
    insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he
    was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. 'Yes,
    Dad, what is it? '

    'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go
    well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live
    with you and your wife....'



    Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age
    and start bragging about it.


    The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.


    Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people
    to know 'why' I look this way.

    I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

    When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think
    of Algebra.


    You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

    First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up
    your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.


    Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was
    called witchcraft...

    Today, it's called golf.


    Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

    The first old guy says to the second guy, ...Sorry about that. I'm looking
    for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

    The second old guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for
    my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

    The first old guy says, 'Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does
    she look like?'

    ' The second old guy says, 'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair,
    blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife
    look like?'

    To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter, let's look for yours.'


    'Lord, Keep Your arm around my shoulder, and, Your other hand
    over my mouth!


    A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
    Dear Sir, please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

    The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a l of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

    Dear Sir, sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
    The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone f ROM emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
    A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

    Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

    We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your woo
    leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.


    The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year-old son i apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a lollypop and tell him to r on all the neighbourhood activities.

    He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
    'There's a car being towed from the parking lot', he shouted.
    'An Ambulance just drove by.'
    'Looks like the Anderson's have company', he called out.
    'Matt's riding a new bike....'
    'Looks like the Sanders are moving'
    'Jason is on his skate board....'

    After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'
    Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they are having sex?'

    'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a lollipop.'

    73 de dave

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